[ For a moment Shinpachi isn't entirely sure what kind of response he expected to that, but he does realise that maybe he should've just seen this coming either way. Tiptoeing (although not exactly subtly, this time) around issues wasn't a surprising thing to see from Souji, after all. Or most of them.
He pulls up his shoulders a little bit, not exactly feeling like pressing the matter immediately with that response. ]
I just wanted to make sure you knew.
[ It's not necessarily that he thought he was going to instantly convince the other of anything (besides, it's not like Shinpachi thinks the excuse that Kondou wasn't being himself makes up for him killing the man either), but it's at least something to consider. ]
Let's go then if you don't want to linger around here that badly.
[ he doesn't say anything more to add to that. instead, he makes sure he pays attention to his every step, one foot after another. he doesn't know when something like this turned into a task he had to watch out for, but he suspects it's thanks to the numerous things on his mind. there must be a way to clear it, he's never had to deal with this kind of mess before.
then again, when had he ever started to doubt his own actions? hadn't he always just kept going no matter what the consequences were?
(he gets it, really. what kondou-san said affected him more than he could ever imagine, and he's left at a loss with how to deal with it.)
when shinpachi mentions that they should leave and head for the graveyard, souji stays put. ]
Shinpachi-san. [ he doesn't even know where to start. ] Back there, I'm— [ grateful? that shinpachi was the one left with the dirty task? ] ... Sorry.
[ sorry that he was the one to do it, that souji wasn't able to finish the job himself. ]
[ He stops when Souji doesn't walk. Or rather, when he actually hears those words.
"Sorry"? Shinpachi might not exactly be sure what he did expect Souji to tell him (as much as he does trust the other, most of the time it's pretty hard to actually understand him), but he's not sure either if that was on the list of things he might potentially have thought about. It's why he doesn't turn around at first when he listens to the words despite his slight surprise. ]
I don't recall you forcing me to do anything.
[ No matter how Souji might feel about all of it, in the end-- ]
It was my own choice. Both of you told me to leave, but I just decided what to do by myself. [ Sure, if he hadn't done it then Souji would have ended up dead and only god knows what would have happened to Kondou in that state. But in the end he still entirely decided by himself, even in some ways it might have been the better decision.
.. He lets out a breath. ]
To be honest, back there for a moment I actually thought you might start to hate me for it. [ And instead he got a "sorry", huh. ]
[ it's deja vu, he thinks, that's what this feels like.
listening to shinpachi talk like that sounds a lot like him whenever chizuru questioned his own choices, that it was his own decision, that he's never regretted it one bit, even if it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. then again, now that souji thinks on it, all of them are like that in their own ways, aren't they? it only took something as extreme as last week to make him realize that.
he finds himself staring at the ground for a second longer, then he looks up, blinks at the next thing shinpachi tells him. ]
If anything... [ this time, he starts walking, and it's only once he's passed the other that he continues his sentence. ] I owe you.
[ he isn't exactly sure what for, to be honest, but that's the closest thing he has to describing how he really feels about all of this. ]
[ Owe him..? Shinpachi might be a huge mooch and an ass at times to his friends, but he wouldn't think of something like this in terms of owing anyone anything at all. Especially not if he didn't do the right thing - because there just was no "right thing" to do in that kind of situation. He just did what felt like the best thing to him personally at that moment, even if by now he finally has time to actually reflect on it.
But even so, he already knows why he did it back then, and he still knows it now. It's simple, even if the deed itself wasn't. ]
You can call me a moron considerin' the kinda stuff we're usually doing [ it's not exactly like they have the safest job ever, after all, quite the contrary ] but I don't exactly feel like seeing my friends die.
[ Sure, he might not be as close to Souji as he is to Sano or Heisuke, but he still can't help but think of all of them that way - they've been together ever since everything at Shieikan. Shinpachi doesn't mind fighting, hell, he loves it, but if there's anything he does hate about all of this stuff in general it's the way it jeopardizes his friendships. Especially considering what he already knows about the future. ]
Of course that means it's not like I wanted to see Kondou-san die either, but.. [ His tone is a little wry and it ends up trailing off. Kondou obviously had lost his mind, so there wasn't much of a choice. ]
[ souji doesn't have anything to add to that—well, more like is there anything to add at all?
shinpachi made it pretty clear that he didn't owe him anything even if that doesn't feel right to him, not when he'd practically saved his life back there. it usually wouldn't have been a big deal, things like that happen so often with the kind of lives they have that it wouldn't been brushed aside as part of their jobs, but—
shinpachi saved him from kondou-san.
... no, that's not right. it's the other way around.
shinpachi saved kondou-san from him. ]
... Shinpachi-san. Do you think he'd even want to see me right now?
Any answer he'd give to that would probably be hypocritical. After all, he's not sure if Kondou would want to see him either after what he did. But Souji isn't the one who killed Kondou-- and even if Kondou was intending to kill Souji, surely that was just because of whatever exactly it was that took hold over him.
There's no way that Kondou would want to even hurt Souji of all people normally otherwise, right? ]
To be honest, it might be a little awkward. [ And that's putting it lightly, but from his wry tone it's pretty obvious Shinpachi realises that as well. ]
Even so, all the stuff that happened back there was because of whatever happened to him, so I'm sure he's not actually that angry at you. But.. still, it's Kondou-san. [ As much as Shinpachi might complain about him, he does know about Kondou's kindness and the very extent of it. ] He probably would feel bad over doing that stuff to you, so I dunno if he'd be able to face you right away.
[ souji listens, he digests what the other man has to say, and this is what he comes up with. it's said in hushed tones, he doesn't really want anyone else to hear this but he won't put up much of a fight if shinpachi takes note of it. more than ever, he's just—scared. that's still putting it lightly though. he doesn't know what to feel at this point. ]
Shinpachi-san, you should go ahead. [ by now, he is already backpedaling. ] I'll come see them [ him ] later.
[ It's only barely, but he does manage to catch the words. And he doesn't even blame the other guy for them - after all, with the way he basically laid out his thoughts just now, it's like he too was saying it's probably better to talk it over later instead. ]
.. Yeah.
[ So he just accepts Souji's decision. There's no way he'd drag him along against his will in general, but especially not since his own heart is only half made up on all of this either. In the end he won't make it to the graveyard either, after all-- but for now he doesn't know that yet and still wants to at least try, even if he'd have to go by himself.
Shinpachi is already walking up to where the other man stopped ahead of him, lingering in the spot next to him for a moment like he's thinking of what to say. His expression turns half-wry, and for the briefest moment his hand lands on Souji's shoulder. ] Don't think too much about it, Souji.
[ Even if not thinking about it is fairly impossible. But it's all the advice he can give him. After he's said it, he's practically already turning again to walk on. ]
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He pulls up his shoulders a little bit, not exactly feeling like pressing the matter immediately with that response. ]
I just wanted to make sure you knew.
[ It's not necessarily that he thought he was going to instantly convince the other of anything (besides, it's not like Shinpachi thinks the excuse that Kondou wasn't being himself makes up for him killing the man either), but it's at least something to consider. ]
Let's go then if you don't want to linger around here that badly.
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then again, when had he ever started to doubt his own actions? hadn't he always just kept going no matter what the consequences were?
(he gets it, really. what kondou-san said affected him more than he could ever imagine, and he's left at a loss with how to deal with it.)
when shinpachi mentions that they should leave and head for the graveyard, souji stays put. ]
Shinpachi-san. [ he doesn't even know where to start. ] Back there, I'm— [ grateful? that shinpachi was the one left with the dirty task? ] ... Sorry.
[ sorry that he was the one to do it, that souji wasn't able to finish the job himself. ]
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"Sorry"? Shinpachi might not exactly be sure what he did expect Souji to tell him (as much as he does trust the other, most of the time it's pretty hard to actually understand him), but he's not sure either if that was on the list of things he might potentially have thought about. It's why he doesn't turn around at first when he listens to the words despite his slight surprise. ]
I don't recall you forcing me to do anything.
[ No matter how Souji might feel about all of it, in the end-- ]
It was my own choice. Both of you told me to leave, but I just decided what to do by myself. [ Sure, if he hadn't done it then Souji would have ended up dead and only god knows what would have happened to Kondou in that state. But in the end he still entirely decided by himself, even in some ways it might have been the better decision.
.. He lets out a breath. ]
To be honest, back there for a moment I actually thought you might start to hate me for it. [ And instead he got a "sorry", huh. ]
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listening to shinpachi talk like that sounds a lot like him whenever chizuru questioned his own choices, that it was his own decision, that he's never regretted it one bit, even if it was the hardest thing he ever had to do. then again, now that souji thinks on it, all of them are like that in their own ways, aren't they? it only took something as extreme as last week to make him realize that.
he finds himself staring at the ground for a second longer, then he looks up, blinks at the next thing shinpachi tells him. ]
If anything... [ this time, he starts walking, and it's only once he's passed the other that he continues his sentence. ] I owe you.
[ he isn't exactly sure what for, to be honest, but that's the closest thing he has to describing how he really feels about all of this. ]
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But even so, he already knows why he did it back then, and he still knows it now. It's simple, even if the deed itself wasn't. ]
You can call me a moron considerin' the kinda stuff we're usually doing [ it's not exactly like they have the safest job ever, after all, quite the contrary ] but I don't exactly feel like seeing my friends die.
[ Sure, he might not be as close to Souji as he is to Sano or Heisuke, but he still can't help but think of all of them that way - they've been together ever since everything at Shieikan. Shinpachi doesn't mind fighting, hell, he loves it, but if there's anything he does hate about all of this stuff in general it's the way it jeopardizes his friendships. Especially considering what he already knows about the future. ]
Of course that means it's not like I wanted to see Kondou-san die either, but.. [ His tone is a little wry and it ends up trailing off. Kondou obviously had lost his mind, so there wasn't much of a choice. ]
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shinpachi made it pretty clear that he didn't owe him anything even if that doesn't feel right to him, not when he'd practically saved his life back there. it usually wouldn't have been a big deal, things like that happen so often with the kind of lives they have that it wouldn't been brushed aside as part of their jobs, but—
shinpachi saved him from kondou-san.
... no, that's not right. it's the other way around.
shinpachi saved kondou-san from him. ]
... Shinpachi-san. Do you think he'd even want to see me right now?
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Any answer he'd give to that would probably be hypocritical. After all, he's not sure if Kondou would want to see him either after what he did. But Souji isn't the one who killed Kondou-- and even if Kondou was intending to kill Souji, surely that was just because of whatever exactly it was that took hold over him.
There's no way that Kondou would want to even hurt Souji of all people normally otherwise, right? ]
To be honest, it might be a little awkward. [ And that's putting it lightly, but from his wry tone it's pretty obvious Shinpachi realises that as well. ]
Even so, all the stuff that happened back there was because of whatever happened to him, so I'm sure he's not actually that angry at you. But.. still, it's Kondou-san. [ As much as Shinpachi might complain about him, he does know about Kondou's kindness and the very extent of it. ] He probably would feel bad over doing that stuff to you, so I dunno if he'd be able to face you right away.
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[ souji listens, he digests what the other man has to say, and this is what he comes up with. it's said in hushed tones, he doesn't really want anyone else to hear this but he won't put up much of a fight if shinpachi takes note of it. more than ever, he's just—scared. that's still putting it lightly though. he doesn't know what to feel at this point. ]
Shinpachi-san, you should go ahead. [ by now, he is already backpedaling. ] I'll come see them [ him ] later.
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.. Yeah.
[ So he just accepts Souji's decision. There's no way he'd drag him along against his will in general, but especially not since his own heart is only half made up on all of this either. In the end he won't make it to the graveyard either, after all-- but for now he doesn't know that yet and still wants to at least try, even if he'd have to go by himself.
Shinpachi is already walking up to where the other man stopped ahead of him, lingering in the spot next to him for a moment like he's thinking of what to say. His expression turns half-wry, and for the briefest moment his hand lands on Souji's shoulder. ] Don't think too much about it, Souji.
[ Even if not thinking about it is fairly impossible. But it's all the advice he can give him. After he's said it, he's practically already turning again to walk on. ]